About one third of our lives are spent at the workplace, so, it’s important to have good relationships with your co-workers. What can you do when you feel yourself become angry with a co-worker or a situation at work?  Anger can cause you to sabotage your job and damage your friendships at work.

ANGER is an emotion or a feeling. Anger is a normal human emotion.  Anger by itself isn’t a problem but if you remain angry and don’t deal with the anger then it can lead to bigger problems both emotionally and physically. Anger can have both negative and positive effects.

       The negative effects of anger:

Interferes and disrupts our thoughts – it can cause problems with concentration and focus. This can cause problems at work if you’re not doing your best.

It can cause negative behavior – anger can cause us to act inappropriately. I have seen anger cause people to lose their job or lose work relationships due to their angry behavior.

If anger persists it can cause physical harm to the body such as stomach problems, low immune system – frequently getting sick, headaches and migraines. I have clients who were so angry with their work situation that they would get sick on Sunday nights due to the stress of going back to work on Monday.

Damages – the residual effects of having an angry episode can cause loss of relationships with spouse, friends, family and relationships at work.

Positive Effects of Anger

Increases energy

Anger can provide the motivation to finish a project or reach a goal. Anger can cause you to find inner strength when you need it the most and be determined to get where you want to be. It has helped some of my clients to ask for a raise or promotion.

Warning – anger can be a warning that a work situation isn’t healthy for you or that a relationship/friendship isn’t good for you. Listen to your body and follow your instincts.

Anger becomes a problem when it is chronic, long term and not handled correctly.

 Signs that Anger is becoming a problem:

      Frequent outbursts of anger

      Can’t control your anger

      Anger lasts for a very long time

      Anger that leads to violent, aggressive behavior – also, outbursts of anger that makes you feel embarrassed or ashamed laterIt hurts our relationships with others.

 Physical signs of anger:

Heart race increases

Perspiration increases

Muscles tense

Blood pressure rises

 Why do we become angry?

We become angry due to a result of being frustrated in a situation or relationship, when our needs aren’t being met, when we are in a situation that we are not in control of.

Anger management:

There are different ways to handle anger. Counseling and groups for anger management are often effective. There are breathing techniques used for relaxation.

 Technique for dealing with anger: Think of a time when you were angry and  answer the following questions.      

 What was happening at the time of the incident that causes you to get angry?

What was happening before the incident? Was something going on to trigger you? What type of mood were you in? Who were you with? Your environment?

What need did I have that wasn’t being met?

 You need to be able to identify WHY you become angry – what triggers you? You can’t fix the problem until you know why. If you can figure out whom or what triggers you to become angry, you can work on fixing the problem. It could be by avoiding certain situations or people. It can be telling a person “what needs aren’t met” so you can work on the problem together, it can be setting a goal to relieve the problem.

 One final thought: Every time you feel yourself getting angry, ask yourself: Does anger help fix my problem or reach my goals?

1 .Even though school is out; you still want them to keep up their chores. Set up times/days for chores. This will help keep their normal routine even in the summer.

2. The library is a great place for free fun. The library has various children activities and events throughout the library. For adults: Libraries also have great workshops, events and book signings for free.. The library is a great place for everyone – take advantage of it this summer.

3. Most local libraries have reading programs for kids. These programs reward kids for reading. It’s a great way to motivate your kids to keep reading over the summer. Most libraries also give book suggestions for different ages.

4. While I’m talking about libraries: I find libraries to be a great place where I can bring my daughter and we can both enjoy the summer. My daughter can read a book or listen to story time while I get to read through my favorite magazine.

5. Have some educational fun with good old fashioned board games. Board games help with memory, fine motor skills (connect 4), problem solving and much more. Some great games: Monopoly, sorry, payday, etc.

6. Make sure your kids get plenty of physical exercise. This can be done at your local park (bring a picnic and make it an all day event). The local park near me has a track right next to the playground so I can get some exercise while watching my daughter play.

7. Kids need play dates with kids their own age. If your child doesn’t go to camp sign up your child for activities at your community center, park, library etc.

8. Look into discounts. Example: If you have all 3 with cablevision (cable, phone and internet(, you get a cablevision card which allows for Free Movies on Tuesdays.

 1.Happiness is a choice – you can make it a daily choice to be happy. Happiness is a perspective. How do you view life? Do you see the glass half empty or half full? The choice is yours? Change your thoughts and you change your actions. Change your self – talk. Instead of works such as: Should, Could, Would or maybe. Change your words to I choose, It’s my choice, etc. Pick more positive words. Talk to yourself in a kinder, gentler tone.

                      What you think = Feel = Believe = who you are!

2. Gratitude is a daily exercise you can add to your day both in the morning and in the night. We call this “Gratitude Checks” This removes the clutter and allows you to see the good in your life. Each morning when you wake up and each night before you go to bed, ask yourself: What am I grateful for?

3. Pay it forward – the happiest people are helping others. It’s a win-win situation. By helping others, you are getting a boost of happiness. Every time you pay it forward, you feel the happiness instantly.

4. Emotional Detox – Being positive or negative is contagious. If you’re exposed to negativity on a constant basis, you will feel it; it will affect your mood. If you want to feel more positive, surround yourself with positive people. Toxic people are draining. Who in your life is toxic? Why are they still in your life? If you can remove them from your life and you haven’t. You need to ask yourself: What need of mine is this person meeting in my life?

5. Strong sense of self – the happiest people know who they are. They know their likes, dislikes, interests, skills, strengths, etc.

6. Creativity and variety – always adding new things and trying new things is a key factor of happiness. We get caught in patterns and become fearful of new things this can lead to feeling stale/stagnate.

7. On going learning – we are happiest when we are always learning both professionally and personally. Learning doesn’t have to be limited to the classroom or at a job. We also learn “informally” through debates, discussions, current events, movie, books, etc. Learning = growing.

8. The main factor of happiness is socialization. Long term happiness depends a lot on relationships, friends, family and community. The saying is true; Quality is way more important then quantity.

9. Momentary Moments – we also need a few happiness moments during the week. These are activities or people who bring you a burst of happiness for 24-72 hours. Example: Going to lunch with a good friend. Just spending time with a friend brings me a burst of happiness for 1-2 days. What brings you happiness – reading, writing, sports, spending time with loved ones, etc? Whatever it is, do it and feel the happiness.

10.  Smiling and laughter – is a great way to reduce stress and feel better instantly. You can even fake it. If your not happy, try faking a smile or a laugh, you will end up feeling better. Even the silliness of faking a smile or a laugh is enough to get a good mood going.

11. Higher power/spirituality – the happiest people believe there is something else out there. It doesn’t have to be about religion, just a belief that we are not alone. A belief that there is something more.

12.  Flow – this is when you are so involved with an activity that you forget about everything else. You forget what time it is, that the phone rang, etc. It doesn’t matter if you finish the activity or if you win or lose at the activity, none of that matters because you’re in “Flow”. Make sure to add flow into your life. You should feel flow during hobbies, interests, activities and for some at their job.

13. The happiest people live in the moment. They are in the here and now.  Learn from your past; plan for your future but live for today.

14. Re-define the American dream – the dream is no longer a house, white picket fence, 2.5 kids and a spouse. The dream is whatever you make it. By trying to follow the American dream, we set ourselves up for failure. The American dream doesn’t mean it’s your dream or that the dream is realistic. Write down what your American dream looks like. What is realistic for you not what society says? We put ourselves in debt due to the American dream. We try to “Keep up with the Jones”; this just adds more pressure to our lives and our families. Always re-define the dream to be your dream. Remember, it’s ok for your dreams to change as long as you’re still dreaming.

1.  Career vs Job do what you love. Imagine you have a job that you work 40-50 hours at the office, then at least 45-60 minute commute each way and then you get home and still check e-mails and texts from your boss. This is the norm for most of us. This is a lot of time spent at work which is great, if you love what you do. If not, this would make your work week almost impossible to get thru. if you’re a parent then you have two full-time jobs. The happiest/balanced people have a career. They enjoy going to work because it’s a career not just a job.

The first step in finding a “Career” is to find out your top strengths/skills and passions. There are a few different personality tests that you can take that can help you figure this out if you don’t know yet. Also, think back to your childhood. What did you love to do ages 5-10 years old? Your passions started then. Did you set up a classroom, make the dresses for your dolls, imagine yourself in a police or firman outfit? What would you do if money wasn’t an option? What causes flow? ( flow is when time stands still because you are so into what you’re doing). What activities cause flow?

2. Personal/professional growth-to remain balanced/happy we need a mix of both professional and personal development.  The happiest people are always growing and learning in both areas of their lives. If we stop growing both professionally and personally we become stale and stagnate which can lead to depression

3. Are your basic needs met? You won’t have balance in your life if your not taking care of yourself. This involves taking care of your basic such as: getting enough sleep ( at least 8 hours), eating healthy,drinking plenty of water ( at least 8 glasses a day) and exercise.  This also includes self-care doing things for yourself, making yourself a priority. Make sure to schedule in”ME”time. If you don’t take care of yourself first, how will you take care of others. Also, taking care of yourself is showing yourself respect. By respecting yourself, your a great role model for your kids.

4. Visualize what your balanced life would look like. Clients come to me and say I feel so unbalanced. I ask them, what would a balanced life look like? They don’t know. They get so wrapped up in the feelings of being overwhelmed and stressed out that they can’t even imagine balance. Try to visualize/focus on the life you want. What would it look like? What in your life right now causes you to feel good? what in your life is toxic? Can you remove the toxic people/situations? Do you need more vacation time? family time? date night? You can’t be balanced until you know what changes you need to make.

5. Control- most of us spend a lot of time and energy on what we can’t control. We can’t control others. We can only control ourselves. Write a list of everything you can’t control. Then look at the list and realize if you can’t control it, your wasting your time and setting yourself up for failure. Take that list and everything on it, rip it up, throw it away and stop wasting time and energy on it. Make a list of everything you CAN control. Ask yourself what can I do about these things now? Then get moving on it.

6. A lot of times we feel unbalanced but really it’s not about balance, it’s about happiness. Take some time and be honest, are you happy?  What are you feeling? A lot of my clients will pre-occupy themselves with “Stuff” so they are busy and overwhelmed but it’s with filler stuff. You might do this as a way to be in avoidance of the deeper issues, it might be fear or just a habit. You need to figure out and become self-aware of how you are really feeling.

7. Realistic-  Most people will have days when they feel stressed, overwhelmed, anxious, etc. It’s normal. Some stress is good stress it motivates us to be our best. Ask yourself do I always feel stressed? is it chronic? does it affect my functioning in everyday life? If it is chronic and affects you daily then it might be time to get professional help like counseling, support groups, etc. If not and you have stressful days or moments then it’s time to realize that all feelings are temporary. Odds are you will feel better and find a solution in a few hours or days.

1. Know the habit needs to be changed. This has a lot to do with self-awareness. Be aware of what habits you want to change. Once you are aware then you can start making changes.

2. How will I change the habit? Will you substitute negative behaviors/actions for more positive ones. Example: Instead of biting nails, you will chew gum. Substitution is a way to help change a negative behavior/action. Do you need to change your thought process. Everytime you have a negative/irrational thought replace it with a realistic/positive thought. Again, you need to be self-aware of your negative actions/behaviors and thoughts for this to work.

3. Want – the most important part. For any changes to occur, you need to want to make the changes. You need to want to change for YOU!! You can find motivation from others like your family, spouse, etc but it still needs to come from within. 

 Changing a habit can be painful and scary but the rewards are always greater. Also, remember that the pain and fear are temporary. It will pass. You are not  a victim and have complete control over your life. CHOOSE to make the change.

We become happy during the change because we feel a sense of accomplishment which motivates us to continue. We feel the journey of change is a reward. We are always learning through the changes while taking risks that makes us happy.

Make sure to include positive reinforcement during your habit change. Reward and praise yourself. Example: When you are on a diet and lose ten pounds, you buy yourself a new  shirt. It’s the same thing – reward and praise yourself. Use self-talk, tell yourself what a great job you are doing.

What changes will you make?

What I heard: How can I possibly be allowed this kind of downtime to myself? (As if any mom isn’t entitled to alone-time to regroup and /or recharge her batteries and just get to spend some uninterrupted time doing something she loves simply because she loves it. Some pastimes, too, demand we isolate ourselves: reading, writing. I know I can’t concentrate once the men of my household are up. Not only do they have questions and want to share their daily goings-on, but now I also need to be tuned in to what the ‘younger’ men are up to. Then they bring over friends, etc. Mommies start cooking for the crowd…you know.)

That same morning another friend called me, terribly stressed out over family issues and being ridiculously hard on herself. She was crying and judging herself because all she wanted was to be alone for a while. She didn’t want to hear “Mommy” or her first name being called… She didn’t want to deal with the paperwork she gets to bring home or the weekend grind of putting one’s home back together after a week of work outside the house. (Mind you, this particular friend works a full-time AND a part-time job, has two daughters and allows herself the luxury of bowling with a league once a week. If she doesn’t have a sitter, she takes her elementary-aged girls along with her and even attends to their homework while she plays. And like those of us who are married on top of all that, she’s got the marriage to attend to as well. Admit it people: even the best ones are work.)

I also remember a phone conversation I had with a cousin when my guys were small, probably about one and three years of age. (She raised four—ages ranging from eight to newborn when her set was complete):

Joanna: “Remember when I used to call and cry because I would never get married and have kids?”

Cousin: “Yes?”

Joanna: “Well, I’m calling to cry because I’m married and I have kids.” (Not that I had a clue about my writing aspirations at the time. Those are a full-time venture all their own, as are many areas of interest one chooses to pursue.)

BTW, I want to be clear on one thing: I consider stay-at-home moms those who don’t get paid for their daily contribution to the family unit/ mgt of household. (Read an article once that stated $500K annually might cover the labor costs that go into raising kids and running a household.) Those of us who have day jobs on top of that—out of financial necessity or self-imposed for whatever reason? We get to add that to the daily to-do list.

All this got me thinking: as working mothers, we are WAY TOO HARD ON OURSELVES. We do not cut ourselves any real slack and judge ourselves far more harshly than we would anyone else. 

This takes me back to Rachel Brimble’s post on my blog. She referred to writers, but I’ll apply the principle to mothers.

Sometimes we do so by listening. When my friend called, I knew she needed to talk simply because her name flashed across my cell screen on a Sunday morning. I let her spill it all, which was what she needed. She wasn’t looking for advice or answers.

Once she calmed I reminded her she was entitled to her feelings. We all are. Emotions don’t have to make sense or fit some preconceived bill. Feelings aren’t facts, folks. Anyone with any neuro background knows, that frontal lobe and the limbic system housed inside is IRRATIONAL. Even murderers are allowed an insanity plea for goodness sakes! Moms who just want a little “time off” judge themselves up the ying and yang for needing—forget wanting—to be human.

Next, I reminded my friend just how full her plate really is. I listed the things I commented on earlier in this article. Sometimes, just hearing what we think we should be able to handle fed back to us helps us get it: maybe we are expecting just a little too much from ourselves? (I know I tend to judge the wealth of a day by how much I got done, whether it’s a report or cleaning my house. I forget to count the time I took for a friend, or to write an article that might feed someone’s spirit—especially mine—or to write that next scene, for goodness sake! BTW, I’m writing this on a Sunday morning, while the notes for my next evaluation are glaring at me and I know my mom is waiting for her morning call, lol.)

Don’t really remember that much more of what my friend and I talked about that morning. (I’m sure I shared the exchange with my cousin, and I do recall my friend laughing at some point.) I did, however, ask her what she would have said to me had I been the one to call her stressed out. Kind of changes the perspective, don’t you think? (Almost like writing that scene from another character’s point of view. That distances me a little from the situation and helps me see things in a different light.)

That segues me right into these questions we overwrought and overstressed moms should be asking ourselves (once we’ve made our way back to semi-rational thoughts):

Would I berate and judge someone else the way I did myself?

What would you tell another mom who came to me seeking a shoulder and support?

Whenever possible—I’m sure I preach this sermon better than I implement it—do the following:

Put physical space between you and the situation that’s making you crazy. (You may have to lock yourself in the bathroom or hide in the basement. Both perfectly acceptable courses of action! J)

Drop the judgment. Hear the words and the pain. Allow yourself to feel your feelings.

Treat yourself the way you’d treat someone who came to you feeling broken, desperate and tanked out.

Call that particular friend who knows your situation better than anyone (and loves you just the same—wink!). You know exactly who will help get your mind back to that place of balance. If that friend isn’t available, send a text, an e-mail or write a note. I promise, just getting it out of you in some shape or form helps. (You may wind up not even sending it but feeling better just the same. Works for me.)

At the ‘friend-end’:

Be quiet and listen. Don’t make this into a time when you want to share your ‘worse’ story.

Don’t judge.

If you can, make your friend laugh.

Finally, and if you can, be available later, should that mom/friend need you. Be honest about your time and the best way to connect with you. (I often ask people to e-mail me and get back to them as soon as I can.)

Anyway, that’s what comes out of a single comment on Facebook, Rachel!

Thanks so much, Diane, for allowing me the privilege of sharing on your brand-new blog sight! And thanks to all your readers, too!

2. Go for a walk – exercise produces endorphins, reduce stress and creates a sense of calm and happiness. This will help spark your creative juices.

3. Go back to your childhood – daydream, doodle, laugh – have fun with no judgement.

4. Daily needs are met – make sure you are eating right, getting plenty of sleep, hydrated and exercising. If your basic needs aren’t met – you will feel cranky, irritable, low energy, fatigued, loss of focus and concentration just to name a few…..

5. Add variety – spice up your life and your thoughts. Do something different everyday. Just little things like take a different route to work, try anew food or drink, a new perfume, etc. Be daring and creative!

6. Meditation – relax and thoughts just come. Meditation gives you a mental break. After you meditate you will feel refueled and creative.

7. Brainstorm – set up brain storming sessions with peers. Just throw out ideas and thoughts but again no judgement…..

8. Visualize if you can see it, you can achieve it. Visualize your goals.

9. Change your environment - work from home, go to a coffee house or a book store even a library. Change your scenery.

10. Expressive writing – write out your thoughts. Free write – whatever comes to you, write it, don’t judge it. Then read it later and you will be surprised by your creativity.

A lot of our personality traits are learned. This is good news. This means your children can learn positive personality traits such as: respect for themselves and others, kindness, patience, empathy, sympathy, etc.

The best preventive method we can use with our kids is to live a positive, happy lifestyle.

If your children see you happy and treating others with respect and kindness, they will follow suit. If your loving and caring, they will see that and follow your example.

The questions below will help you become aware of your daily actions. Use these questions for at least a week to learn about you and your behaviors/actions.  Learn what changes you need to make to be a great role model and to have a happy home.

Remember, Happy Parents = Happy kids!

1. How many negative statements did I say today? Ex: I can’t wear these pants I’m too fat.

2. How many curse words did I use today?

3. How many negative actions did I show today? Ex: How many times did I roll my eyes when someone was talking to me. Kids watch non-verbal behaviors. As parents watch what you say and do!

4. How many times did I have an attitude today?

5. How many times did I not explain what I was feeling to my kids? Did I yell, discipline or punish them without explaining why? Did I use the terms: because I’m the adult, Because I said so, Because I’m mom/dad, etc. It’s ok to discipline, punish or even raise your voice to your child BUT you need to explain why your upset/mad, why you punished them so they understand. This will help them not to repeat the same negative actions over and over again.

6. Did I show love today? How did I act towards my spouse and kids? Did I give a hug? a kiss? Parents, if you’re not loving and kind to each other, the children will see this.

7. Are your behaviors consistent? Consistency, routine and schedules are the best ways to prevent discipline issues. As parents we need to learn to do what we say. Ex: If as a parent, I say no snacks before dinner then I must follow the rule for it to stick and for it to have any meaning to the kids.

8. Watch your environment. Are you bringing toxic people into your home? Kids learn through their parents and community.

Positive Parents = Positive kids!