The benefits of being a victim

The Benefits of Being a Victim:

Many of my clients have suffered from past experiences that left them feeling angry, hurt and out of control. When we hold onto those experiences and remain hurt, angry and fearful it can lead us into being “The Victim”. We take this victim mentality from our past experiences (usually during childhood) where we felt helpless and had a lack of control into our adult lives and the present. As adults, we need to know this is no longer true, we now have the power to make better decisions and changes in our lives, we are not stuck. We can change the things we don’t like and remove the negative.

Why It Feels Good To Be The Victim:

1. Victims feel that the world is out to get them, everything is unfair and its not their fault. When people first meet a victim, they feel bad and sympathize with the person. The hard part for the victim is those feelings of sympathy and empathy will be temporary if the victim plays the game for too long. So, what starts off as a benefit for the victim can turn on them in the bigger picture.

2. Victims stay in their comfort spot which means they don’t take risks, show vulnerability and have less fear but also less rewards. Truly happy and successful people take risks. If you stay in victim mode for too long and don’t take risks you might feel safe and comfortable at first but after awhile you will start to feel stale and stuck.

3. The victim feels right and justified for their feelings which means the other person(s) are wrong. The victim plays ” I’m right” card. In the beginning this can gain them more sympathy but in the long run it can work against them

4. Being the victim becomes your identity. If you let go of the victim mentality who will you be? That’s a scary thought for most. If we let go of our victim identity we would have to dig deeper into ourselves to find our authentic self. This is scary but when we find our true self it opens the door to new possibilities and experiences.

5. The victim doesn’t have to take responsibility for their actions, they always have the blame outlet. If we don’t take responsibility for our own lives, we are not living authentically. When we are not our true self we can’t be happy.

Ways to break out of being the victim.

1. Victims feel they have it the worst. One way to challenge that is to ask yourself do people have it worse then me? All you need to do is read or watch the news to see the trauma that is out there. As much as you might feel that life isn’t fair, there is always someone who has it worse, much worse.
* When I was sick and couldn’t swallow water or food, I felt horrible for myself. I was so busy throwing myself a pity party, I wasn’t able to see that I had clients who had it much worse then me. I had clients paralyzed from their chest down due to a stroke or injury. I know I would eventually heal and eat again but those clients wouldn’t. This allowed me to see my illness in a much bigger picture.

2. Add some gratitude after you find the other people who have it worse. Start being grateful for what you have.
* When I was sick, I became grateful that I could walk, run, drive, talk, etc. I stopped focusing on what was wrong and looked at what was right.

3. Being a victim means its all about you so to break out of the victim mold you have built for yourself start thinking of others and act on it. Do a random act of kindness. Every time we do a random act of kindness we get a boost of happiness and self-esteem.

4. Meditation is a great way to find a sense of peace, reduce stress and think clearly. If you want to try meditation, you can also try guided meditations, all you need is you tube and a set of headphones. The guided meditations will softly guide you into deep relaxation.

5. Exercise is another way to reduce stress and get a boost of happiness. Victims feel angry, hurt and resentful. A great way to get your anger out is out is to exercise, it can be a long walk or hitting the gym.

6. Forgiveness is the best way to take your power back. When we let the anger grow and fester inside of us we lose our power and feel victimized. When we forgive we take back our power. Forgiveness doesn’t mean what the person did to you is right, it means your not allowing that person to hurt you anymore. Forgiveness is done for you not the person who hurt you.

Diane Lang – Positive Living Expert, life coach and psychotherapist – is a nationally recognized speaker, author, educator, therapist and media expert. Lang is extremely mediagenic and offers expertise on a variety of health and wellness topics about creating balance and finding happiness through positive living as well as multiple mental health, lifestyle and parenting needs. In addition to holding multiple counseling positions, Diane is also an adjunct at Montclair State University.

Lang has been interviewed for numerous magazine and newspaper articles and has been a frequent guest on radio and TV shows including “Fox & Friends” on the Fox News Network. Lang a regular featured expert on the “Expat Show” broadcasted weekly on the New York ABC affiliate WTBQ-AM, and a Blogger.

Lang speaks to employees of large companies to help reduce stress in the workplace and speaks to parents about how to create balance and find happiness along with a variety of other health and wellness topics. For rates or to book Diane Lang contact

Diane is also the author of two books: “Baby Steps: The Path from Motherhood to Career” and “Creating Balance and Finding Happiness.

About Finding your happiness

Diane Lang, practicing therapist, national speaker, educator, and certified positive psychology coach, has her master’s degree in counseling and is an adjunct in psychology at Montclair State University. She has written three books, and has been featured in various publications, and on TV and Internet shows. Diane speaks on various mental and emotional health topics including Happiness, Resiliency, Stress management, Parenting Positive Aging, Anxiety, and Depression in both teens and adults. Diane also specializes in Positive Psychology Positive Education and Positive Parenting. Thousands of individuals have benefited from Diane’s motivational and educational speaking, trainings, and coaching. Her Hands-on approach along with her background, education and experience has proven to be beneficial to all who attend her presentation. To learn more on how you could bring Diane to your organization please email
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2 Responses to The benefits of being a victim

  1. Nyree says:

    Amazing help. Thank you so much. I look forward to reading lots more. Just in time for me with New Year approaching.

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