The Inner Bully

The Inner Bully By Diane Lang

I have never been a bully growing up. I have been bullied and know how bad it can feel. How much stress and fear it can produce. Yet I find myself being a bully. The difference is the only person I bully is myself. It’s a constant battle. I bully myself with such lines as: How can you eat that, you’re so fat. What is wrong with you? You keep making the same mistakes over and over again. You know better, you do this for a living. Everyone has a different inner critic and insecurities so it might sound different for you. This constant bullying can go on for hours or days. The bullying doesn’t help me to change or to problem solve, it just keeps me stuck in the negativity loop. I have been doing this since I was a child. I did it when I wasn’t doing well in school, I thought it must be because I wasn’t smart enough. When friendships ended I assumed it was because I wasn’t good enough. I constantly criticized, judged and bullied myself. How long does this recording have to play in my head before I change. That was the ultimate form of bullying. When did your inner critic start? What were the constant negative thoughts you kept hearing? Ways to stop the self bullying: When we bully ourselves, we end up saying irrational things about ourselves. Things that we would never say to a friend. Things that are not based on complete truth. When we berate ourselves, we get stuck in the vicious cycle of beating ourselves up then feeling guilty for doing it and the cycle continues. You can choose to change the download that’s on repeat in your head. It’s a conscious choice. If you’re not sure how many times you beat yourself up; try the “snap to awareness technique “Wear a rubber band on your wrist. Every time you say something negative about yourself, whether it’s in your head or out loud, snap the rubber band .You will become aware of how many times your inner voice betrays you. The awareness can be a wake up call to change the dialogue you have with yourself. After you become aware, you need to challenge that voice. Is what your inner voice saying based on truth? Fact? Is it based on a little bit of truth that you turned into a full explosion of insults and judgments? If you know the inner voice is just repeating the harsh words or judgments from others such as parents, past relationships, teachers, etc. Challenge it. Is what they were saying to you really about them? Were they unhappy people who projected onto you? Is the negative self talk based on past situations that are no longer true? Talk back to the negative inner voice by reframing Example: I can’t do_______!   Change to – I haven’t done it yet. I’m always making mistakes!  Change to – how can I learn from this situation? What is the lesson? Use it as a teachable/learnable moment. Stop trying to be perfect- there is no such thing as perfect and if you continue to aim for perfection, you will be setting yourself up for failure. Instead of aiming for perfection, aim to be better than you were yesterday. Acknowledge your self worth- write a list of all your accomplishments, add in all your skills/abilities/talents. Spend some time writing this list. Put it somewhere you can easily see it and look at it daily to remind yourself of how far you have come and all the great things you have done. If your negative inner voice is coming from past wounds and pain, do the healing work. Don’t ignore the feelings instead listen to them with compassion and empathy.

Gratitude

Many people are feeling the affects of the one year anniversary of the Covid 19 pandemic. It has been a long year filled with lock downs, constant changes, stress, fear and grief. If you’re feeling this way, you’re not alone but there is one aspect of the pandemic that can make you feel better – Gratitude Gratitude boost happiness, cultivates positive emotions, mindfulness and improves our overall health. Gratitude is a way for people to become self-aware of all the blessings in their life. It helps you appreciate everything you have.  9 Ways to Cultivate Gratitude 1. Every night before you go to bed ask yourself: What are 2-3 things you are grateful for that happened today? 2. Send a thank you letter expressing your appreciation. You can write, text or email but in person is still the best. 3. Gratitude Journal – keep a daily journal of all the things you are grateful for. Add to it daily. This will help you to see the big picture. 4. Prayer is another way to cultivate gratitude. 5. See the silver lining in every situation. It might be tough but if you put the effort in, you can see the good in a bad situation even if its the lesson, resiliency or growth. 6. Look back at your life and see all the tough times you have gone through and thrived from. Look how far you have come and feel proud of yourself. This exercise will help you feel the positive emotion of pride. We will make it through this pandemic too! 7. When you’re feeling down, the best way to feel better is to help others. It takes you outside of yourself and your problems. When the focus is off yourself, you start to feel better. When you help others, you help yourself. 8. Nature – spending time outdoors in nature exposes to you all the beauty around you but don’t pay attention to. Take some time to unplug from technology and enjoy your surroundings. You will feel the positive emotions of awe and wonderment. Nature cultivates mindfulness. Mindfulness reduces stress, calms, lowers blood pressure and reduce chronic pain. 9. Just say thank you to someone everyday. In the working world, we tend to be so busy that we just don’t stop to say thank you to other employees. This simple gesture can motivate an employee to be more productive and to feel appreciated.

Webinars: Staying Positive during Trying Times Free Zoom WebinarWednesday, March 10th,2pmSecaucus Public Library, NJ Register for free at either:dlcounseling2014@gmail.com orwww.secaucuslibrary.org Thursday, March 11th, 630pm – Positive Aging Zoom Princeton Adult School, NJ Register at 609-683-1101 or princetonadultschool.org For more information, please visit: www.dlcounseling.com

Time to Check in with Yourself

Time To Check In With Yourself: By: Diane Lang

We are a month into the new year, a perfect time to evaluate how things have been going. Answer the questions below to help create new goals, action plans and routines.  1. What new things did you try out this new year? How is it going for you? Do you need to create new goals? New time frames? Action plans? Tweak your goals? Remember, baby steps are perfect. Baby steps allow for forward momentum without feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Start small – end big! 2. What do your morning and evening routines look like? A morning routine starts your day on the right foot. Your evening routine helps you sleep and replenish your body for the next day. Both are so important. 3. Are you spending time with people who empower you? make you feel good? or people who make you feel worse about yourself? Your tribe can either lift you up or bring you down. 4. Have you reduced your media intake? social media? If you’re digesting fear, anger, confusion and sadness you are creating more negativity in your life. You are in control of your mindset and what you allow into your world. Choose love. 5. Is fear running your year so far? Is it paralyzing you? keeping you stuck? If fear is playing a major role in your life, remind yourself of this great stat: 90% of what you fear never happens! 6.Are you making decisions/choices mindfully? Every time you react, make a decision, ask yourself is it made by love or fear? If you are choosing love, you will feel it in your heart. It will be a loving, kind decision made with clarity.If you’re choosing fear, you are reacting impulsively, reacting from a place of anger, stress or confusion- it’s a decision made with fear/ego.  7. Are you being the best version of yourself? How are you treating yourself? Are you being self-compassionate?

February 2021 – Webinar Events Tuesday, Feb 9th, 6:30pm – Staying Positive during Trying Times Northampton Community College, Monroe Campus, PARegister: monroecalinfo@northampton.edu or 570.369.1881 Thursday, Feb 11th, 7pm – Managing Stress and Anxiety Garwood Library, NJ Register: 908-789-1670  Saturday, Feb 20th, 10am – Positive Psychology – Cultivating Happiness Temple University, PA Register: 267-468-8500 or ncce@temple.edu Wednesday, Feb 24th 10am – Stress Less, Savor More and Feel Better The Adult School, NJ Register: 973-443-9222 Thursday, Feb 25th, 6:30pm – Turning Setbacks into Advantages Northampton Community College, Monroe Campus,PA Register: monroecalinfo@northampton.edu or 570.369.1881

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What do you need to let go of to move forward?

What do you need to let go of to move forward? Negative beliefs. Negative people. Negative habits and patterns that you repeat daily that don’t help you move forward. Unhealthy food and drinks. Negative media/social media. Releasing addiction to technology. Googling creates instant gratification. Social media creates comparison. All the filler activities that keep you numb. All the emotions you’re holding on to and internalizing but haven’t dealt with yet. The past that keeps you stuck from moving forward. The fear that paralyzes you. The craving of things that keep you overstimulated, take away your imagination and ability to critically think. Less of anything that doesn’t feel good and more of what makes you feel complete and in peace. More of…. Reading that cultivates imagination. Learning that cultivates critical thinking. Nature which produces mindfulness, peace and calm. Socialization that brings connection, community and support. Which do you choose? For more information please visit: http://www.dlcounseling.com

Finding the Silver Lining

I know it’s tough to even think about a silver lining while we are in a pandemic almost 10 months with a second wave just beginning but it’s actually the most important time to do this exercise and find the silver lining in your life. What is the silver lining? A sign of hope in an unfortunate, tough, gloomy time. It’s making lemonade out of lemons. It is going from “Why did this happen to me” to “What can I learn”. In the Silver Lining exercise below, I asked the questions using COVID-19/Pandemic as the topic/situation, but it does not have to be used just for COVID-19. You can use this exercise when you are going through any tough/challenging time. Just change the wording.  Questions to ask yourself to look at the bright side: 1. What did you take for granted before COVID-19 that you changed? 2.What part of this situation are you grateful for? 3. What positive changes did you make due to the pandemic that have become habits that you want to keep?  How did the pandemic positively affect you? 4. What’s important to you now that was not pre-pandemic? 5. How can I use this experience to grow? What did I learn about myself? 6. How can I use this situation as an opportunity?  7. What parts of your life no longer work due to the pandemic that you’re happy you got rid of?  8. What victories have you had during the pandemic? Even if it is just learning new technology!  9. Did you and your family adopt any new traditions or routines you want to keep even after the pandemic? For more information or any questions, Please email Diane at dlcounseling2014@gmail.com or visit Diane’s website: http://www.dlcounseling.com

Building Resiliency for Tough Times

Building a Resiliency Plan for Tough Times

When going through a tough time, a change/transition, there is always an end and a beginning. With change/transition comes pain, sadness, and fear but there is also some good and joy. You find new reasons to go on. You re-shape your life according to your new reality.

You start asking questions such as:

How am I going to rebuild my life with my new reality?

What new expectations do I have for my new reality?

What new dreams and goals come up for me?

Healing is building a life around the pain. It is acknowledging the pain, sadness, fear, and whatever emotions comes up for you, feeling those emotions and still building a new life. You grow despite the struggle, change and pain. You find new motivation to move on. When we find ourselves in a change whether forced or planned, we find new purpose and meaning in life. Purpose and meaning changes with our circumstances. Its important to embrace the change and all the new that comes with it.

Struggle = Growth = Purpose

When we struggle with a tough situation which causes change/transition, we find ourselves going through an ending and beginning. This causes growth. Growth comes from pain and suffering but also brings joy and positivity. From the growth, we start to develop new purpose and meaning in life. We are forever changed from the situation and we now want to take all that we have learned and share it with others and help others who have been through similar situations.

When going through this tough time/change ask yourself the following questions:

1.What do I need? Resilient people ask for help.

2. Are my basic needs met? We need a strong foundation. Make sure your sleep, diet, water, and exercise become part of your daily routine.  When you recognize an area that is lacking, think of one small step you can take to improve it. These can be baby steps. No judgment just action.

3. What are my self-care strategies? What helps calm and soothe me? Are they healthy coping skills? What are my unhealthy coping skills? Being aware of the unhealthy coping skills is important.

4.What does my support system look like? We cannot heal, grieve, or forgive alone.

5. Do I have a good morning and night routine? We are our happiest, most productive, and creative with routine, schedule, and consistency.  If you do not have a routine, create one by adding two activities to both your morning and night routine such as: gratitude, prayers, stretching, meditation, yoga, walking, journal writing, deep breathing, etc. I suggest having at least one or two mindfulness activities in your day to help reduce stress and keep you coming back to the present moment.

For more information please email Diane at dlcounseling2014@gmail.com

8 Ways to Destress during the Holidays

8 ways to De-stress during the Holidays

Everyone knows that the holidays can be a stressful time of the year. There’s a lot of planning that goes on for family get-togethers, holiday parties, dinners, and even traveling. The conflicts that are bound to arise bring up mixed feelings and can lead to stress and anxiety. However, the holidays can also be a time to reflect on all of the good things you have in your life and enjoy spending time with your close friends and loved ones. If you’re prone to holiday stress once November comes around, try following these eight tips.

1. Start early

One of the best ways to avoid holiday stress is to start planning early! This means making to-do lists, grocery lists, getting a head start on your gift shopping and more. When you wait until the last minute to do these things, that’s when the stress really gets to you. You can avoid all of that by just making a few lists early on and taking time to complete them a few tasks at a time instead of all at once.

2. Take care of you

When you’re starting to feel overwhelmed by all of the tasks you have to do and by the idea that you will soon have to spend time entertaining your large, extended family, create some personal time to relax. Make time in your schedule to do whatever it is that makes you happy, whether it’s a day at the spa, snuggling under the covers and reading a good book, or enjoying a glass of wine before bed. Some solitary time is important and it’s good to indulge every once in a while.

3. Be up front financially

Money is another big factor in holiday stress since most people plan to buy presents for the family, cook dinner for a group, and even host big parties. The holidays are always a tough time financially and you shouldn’t spend money that you don’t have and can’t afford to be spending. If money is tight, create a strict budget for yourself and make sure to stick to it. Consider buying presents only for the kids, doing a Secret Santa /Yankee Swap for the adults, or even use your creativity to make some homemade gifts. 

4. Get some exercise

Getting active and doing some form of exercise does wonders for relieving stress. Even going for a brisk walk for 30 minutes a day can be extremely beneficial. Grab a neighbor or a friend to accompany you so you can talk while you’re on the move and you won’t even realize that what you’re doing is exercising. If possible, get the whole family involved in a family walk so they can all benefit from lower levels of stress.

5. Ask for help

If you’re the person in the family who is doing all of the planning, all of the cooking, and all of the shopping, you really should consider asking for help. No one can be expected to do so many things at once so learn to delegate tasks to others. Ask family members to each bring a different dish to dinner to relieve some of your cooking duties. Everyone should be doing his or her part to help, even during clean up.

6. Gratitude

The holidays are really about spending quality time with your friends and family. It’s not about the presents, or the food, or the parties. We should feel grateful and happy for our health and for being surrounded by loved ones. These are lessons to pass on to your children and teach them to appreciate all of the little things in life that make us happy.

7. Watch the signs

Listen to your body. If you are noticing any of the following signs, then it’s time to make changes:

Change in sleeping or eating

Feeling irritable/moody

Exhaustion/Fatigue

Panic attack symptoms

Physical signs such as headaches, stomach issues, joint pain, low immune system

8. Pay it forward

For the holidays join a local charity and help with serving dinners, dropping off presents and giving hugs. Every time we do a random act of kindness, we help others while helping ourselves. Random acts of kindness give a boost of happiness that lasts 24-72 hours. Spread the joy!

For more information please visit: http://www.dlcounseling.com or email Diane at

DLCounseling2014@gmail.com

What Can I Control?

What Can I Control?

Subject: What Can I Control?November 11th 2020What Can I Control?By: Diane LangWith so much uncertainty in the world, many of my clients/students are often asking me, “what do I have control over?” When we continue to work on things, we have no control over, we become frustrated and stuck. We feel a lack of power over our own lives, this causes fear and anxiety. When we take some time to evaluate our lives and see what parts we have control over, we gain clarity. What do we have control over? We can all control ourselves which is great place to start but what does that mean? What is included in this? I put a list below to get you started. 1.    You always have a choice. Is the decision/choice your making based on fear/ego or love? 2.    Reactions/Responses – you cannot change others, but you can change how you react/respond to a person and situation. You can change your attitude to alter how you view a situation. You can reframe a “Why does this happen to me?” to “What is this trying to teach me?” 3.    Mindset – how you talk to yourself, self-compassion, kindness, empathy, etc. Be mindful of how you talk/treat yourself. Is self-care part of your life?4.    Perspective – the one constant in the world is change. We cannot do anything about it but how we perceive the change is up to us? Do we run from it? Fear it? Or think of it as a teachable, learnable moment? Are you open to new possibilities and opportunities? “Change always comes bearing gifts” …. Price Pritchett 5.    What you digest – what do you allow in your life? Body? Food, drink, media, social media, etc. Where do you put your energy? 6.    What you do with your free time and who you spend it with. Do the people you surround yourself with empower you or make you feel worse about yourself? When dealing with a situation ask yourself: 1.    What concern or problem is bothering me right now? 2.    Do I have control or is it out of my control? 3.    If I have control, what actions can I take? How can I move forward? 4.    If I have no control, what can I do to help me accept the situation? Can I stop fighting it? Resisting it?

What do I want to do when I grow up?

What Do I Want To Do When I Grow Up? By: Diane Lang

For some people, their passion/purpose comes to them. Some even knew what they wanted to be when they grew up as a child.I always envied those people. For the rest of us, we keep asking the question: What do I want to do when I grow up? For others, you started with your purpose/passion and somewhere along the way, you lost interest and the question comes up again: What do I want to do when I grow up? It’s one of the most popular questions I hear from my clients and also one of the most frustrating. If you find yourself stuck or desiring a change in career, here are eight tips to help you find your purpose/passion.  1. What causes you pain? For many of us, what brings up the most pain and discomfort also brings us our purpose. For example: If you have an injury/illness, that might lead you into helping others with a similar situation.  2. What causes you to feel envy? Social media has some negatives but let’s put that negative to use. When you are scrolling through your social media feed, what brings up the emotion of envy or jealousy for you? Instead of judging yourself for feeling that way, ask what it’s trying to teach you. What’s missing/lacking in your life? Does someone going back to get their degree or a certificate bring sparks of envy? Does someone opening up their own business bring the pangs of jealousy? use this emotion/information to make changes going forward.  3. Ask yourself the following spiritual questions: Does the work you do make you feel you’re contributing to society/making the world a better place? Does your career match your value system? Does it create a sense of flow? Does it give your life meaning?  4. Re-evaluate your career. At some point your career might have matched your values, gave your life meaning and flow but no longer does. We are always changing and growing so what worked for you 5 or 10 years ago might no longer work. That’s ok just check in and see how you feel and make changes accordingly.   5. Childhood- think back to childhood dreams, what did you want to do when you grew up? Sometimes, we are driven off path by life circumstances, society or parents encouragement or the pursuit of external goals such as money, fame, status and power. As we get older, we actually feel more satisfied with accomplishing internal goals.   6. Fear – for many of us, we know our true calling but fear has stopped us. If this is the case, it’s time to deal with the fear. Fear can paralyze us, the best way through is to acknowledge the fear but move forward anyway with small baby steps. It doesn’t mean quitting your job and running after your dream tomorrow. It does mean, acknowledging your dream, writing down your goals and setting action steps to move forward.  7.Know the “Why” behind your dream/goal. Why do you want it? When we know why the motivation comes much easier. 8. What are your strengths? gifts? abilities? These are clues. If you don’t know what they are, take a personality test which will help you uncover your strengths and

Four Ways to Handle a Crisis

We’re in a Crisis, Now What? The pandemic/quarantine has caused a global crisis. Being in any type of crisis will cause a mix of emotions we go through. The questions I get from many clients are: how do I handle a crisis? What will I feel? For many, it’s easier, if we know what to expect and what to do. Just knowing that it’s normal and others feel the same way can give us a sense of comfort and peace.  Four Ways to Deal with a Crisis 1. What is the action we need to take? The more information and knowledge we have of the situation the more control we have. Get as much up to date information so you can take the information, evaluate it and create solutions. Knowledge is the enemy of fear and can reduce fear. *Remember, it’s important to get up to date information from reliable sources but don’t get overwhelmed with too much. Get what you need and move forward brainstorming and creating solutions.  2. Regression – we regress in our behaviors. It’s a defense mechanism that many use. We become stressed/anxious and everyday feels like ground hog day. What can you do to self-soothe when stress/anxious? What is in your emotional toolbox? exercise/walking, meditation, deep breathing, yoga, journal writing, etc. When everyday starts feeling the same, we become stagnate. To break this habit, do something new everyday. It can be simple things, try a new food/drink, walk a different route, read a different type of book, etc.  3. Lack of purpose – it’s hard to focus, concentrate and stay motivated when we are in a crisis and a time of uncertainty but without purpose/meaning we don’t feel happy and fulfilled. Create a new goal and action plan list that works for your current reality. If you are still trying to work on goals that were set pre-pandemic, they might not be realistic or attainable anymore. Your priorities, needs and wants might have shifted. Use this time to re-evaluate your life, what are your priorities? what’s important to you? what do you value? What do you want/need?  4. Recovery – this is when we move forward with our new goals/action plans we set. This is the time for our new norm. Remember, our norm can change quickly so re-evaluate often.

Montville Public Library, Managing Stress & Anxiety During a Crisis- 1pm Register at 973-402-0900  Thursday, September 24th, 6pm- Coping with Change – In PersonNorthampton Community College, PA – Monroe Campus Register at www.northampton.edu/admissions/campus-locations/monroe-campus.htm-Under Monroe Campus Tuesday, September 29th, Oct 6 & 13, 1pm – Building Resiliency for Today and Tomorrow’s Challenges Brookdale Community College, NJ Register at 732-224-2315 Tuesday, September 29th, 7pm – Navigating the New Normal Morristown Community School, NJ Register at 973-292-2020 Wednesday, September 30th, 6:30pm – Navigating the New Norm Ramsey Adult School, NJ Register at  https://ramsey.augusoft.net/index.cfm?fuseaction=1003 or 201-327-2025