Why am I so hard on myself?

Why am I so hard on myself?

I don’t know if your like me but if you are you can be too critical, judgmental and harsh towards yourself. The way we talk to ourselves is just downright mean. If anyone else talked to me like that, well, we wouldn’t be friends and a few choice words would of been said.
The questions I hear from clients and what I often ask myself is why do we tolerate such bad behavior? Why are we not kinder to ourselves? Why do we expect perfection from ourselves when we know that’s impossible and then get mad at ourselves for not being perfect?

Signs of being too hard on yourself:
1. Your over critical and expect perfection which sets you up for failure
2. You rehash  all your mistakes and failures over and over again, you don’t give yourself a break because you don’t think you deserve it!  You obsess over and over what went what wrong and why- why you did it that way? What you could of done different? This could go on for hours or even days and then when you finally let go something else happens and your right back to obsessing on why you did things wrong! It’s like watching the same show over and over again. We need to stop the reruns playing in our head with the same theme “What’s wrong with me?”
3. Nothing you do is good enough – no matter how much effort or how it comes out even if everyone else thinks you were great, you still think it’s not good enough!

If this sounds like you then here are a few ways to stop the harshness and be a better friend to yourself.

1. Set up realistic expectations – being perfect or constantly in control is impossible and just sets us up for failure instead set realistic expectations with a realistic time frame to meet those goals. Remember we can’t control anything but ourselves and our reactions, if we are trying to control others we will be hurting ourselves and pushing others away.
2. Mistakes bring growth – if we don’t make mistakes and have failures, we can’t grow and change. Instead of expecting perfection expect to learn. With every mistake/failure comes a lesson.
3. Instead of being too critical let’s look for the positive – every night before you go to bed ask yourself:  What are 2-3 things I did well today? Let’s teach ourselves to spend time looking at the positive instead of the negative.
4. Expect growing pains – it’s part of life, we are human. Life will come with ups and downs, mistakes, failures and accomplishments. Look at the big picture  and don’t punish yourself for the down times.
5. Don’t compare yourself to others- we have more options to compare ourselves now with the Internet and social media but don’t do it.  It’s a no win situation. Everybody’s grass looks greener until you actually talk to that person. Don’t perceive that others have perfect lives because it’s not true. Instead accept who you are and start learning to love yourself again.
6. Treat yourself with the same respect and kindness you treat others. If you wouldn’t say something to another person especially a friend or family member then why would you say it to yourself?

* When we constantly criticize ourselves and expect perfection we get stuck in a loop we can’t get out off. Instead get off the hamster wheel and treat yourself with compassion, kindness, patience and understanding. Look for the lessons, remind yourself it all brings growth and accept and love yourself!

For more information visit: http://www.dlcounseling.com or email Diane at DLCounseling2014@gmail.com

 

Posted in adult education, beliefs, Change, coaching, Conscious living, counseling, development, Goals, growth, happiness, Joy, life coaching, love, parenting, pay it forward, personal development, positive parenting, positive psychology, Positive Psychology coaching, pro-active, psychology, school, self help, spirituality, therapy, transitions, Uncategorized, values | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Pay it forward- guest post

Paying It Forward:
By: Cristina B.
Paying it forward has a lot of great benefits, believe it or not. The best one, is that it makes you feel really good inside and it makes others feel good too! However, imagine how heavily stressed or apathetic we’ve become as a society, that yesterday, when I paid for coffee for two people behind me their reactions were a little different.The one directly behind me thanked me, and told me it made her day.The person behind her though, simply asked me “Why?” and seemed a bit disgruntled. It didn’t bother me, though. It just surprised me! Imagine asking “Why?” being a reaction to paying it forward. Now, I won’t let that experience bother me. In fact, it’ll only encourage me to do it more!
Believe it or not, there are a lot of great benefits to paying it forward. Here are a few:
  • By contributing towards the greater good  your self worth and self esteem improves.
  • It can prevent people from becoming isolated, encouraging them to meet new people and step outside of their comfort zones.
  • Makes others feel good, and you too.
  • Encourages others to do the same.
You don’t have to do anything crazy to start! Something simple like putting extra quarters for the next person at the meter, buying someone a cup of coffee, giving up a seat on the subway or even complimenting someone! Paying it forward is good for the soul. Remember, it starts with you!


AUGUST 2016
Tuesday, August 16, 630pm – Re-train Your Brain for Happiness

Ross School, Hamptons, Long Island
Phone: 631-907-5400

Tuesday, August 23, 1030am – Living a Mindful Life
Mount Saint Mary’s College, Newburgh, NY
Phone: 845-565-2076

Posted in Abundance, Change, coaching, counseling, development, dream life, growth, happiness, Joy, life coaching, love, pay it forward, personal development, psychology, self help, spirituality, therapy, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Mantra’s

 
Mantra for Moksha!
I’m very excited to introduce Keri from Fitmama’s – A healthy mom community. Keri’s article on Mantra’s is a great read.
Mantra’s are very helpful and are great  to use in Yoga, Meditation and to stay positive. You can learn more about Keri and Fitmama’s at  https://www.facebook.com/njlakeyoga
When practicing freeing your mind in a Yoga class, Mantras are very helpful.

A simple definition of Mantra from merriam-webster.com/
  •  a sound, word, or phrase that is repeated by someone who is praying or meditating
  • a word or phrase that is repeated often or that expresses someone’s basic beliefs
This week I wanted to share a Mantra song by Dr. Sha’s Peace, Love and Harmony Song.

Repetition is a great way to move into the positive. When you feel something in your soul, your heart & mind feel it.

With the power of music you won’t be able to contain yourself.  I guarantee you will start humming it.  Once it’s in your soul, heart & mind you’ll notice your energy change.  When you’re living with positive energy so will those around you.

Peace, Love, and Harmony to you all.
-Keri
Here are a few Mantra’s or make up your own
  • “Love is the only miracle there is.” – Osho
  • “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” – Gandhi
  • “Every day in every way I’m getting better and better.” – Laura Silva
  • “I change my thoughts, I change my world.” – Norman Vincent Peale
  • My favorite is ” I’m healthy and Whole”
Posted in Abundance, beliefs, Change, coaching, Conscious living, development, dream life, Goals, growth, happiness, Joy, life coaching, love, Meditation, Mindfulness, personal development, pro-active, Resolutions, self help, spirituality, transitions, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Coaching yourself for success

Coaching yourself for success
Finding a great coach can be so helpful in your pursuit for change and setting goals. They hold you accountable and help you set realistic goals and actions plans. But there are some things you can do on your own to get started and help you go through the transition smoothly.

6 coaching tips

1. Are you willing and ready to change? I always ask my clients that question when we first start. You can’t help someone if they aren’t ready or willing to commit. Be honest with yourself – are you really ready to make a change and do the work to get there? Why are you ready? What is the motivation/desire behind your commitment?
2. What is the change you want to make? Stick with one change/goal at a time. We don’t want to become overwhelmed and procrastinate. It’s ok to start small. Remember, you’re doing one change/goal at a time because your life is still going on. So, while your accomplishing your goal, you still need to raise a family, go to work, take care of your house, health, etc.
When you know the change then write it down in detail. Journal writing helps make the goal real.
Visualize the change – when we can see it, it brings clarity to our vision. How would the change look like? How would I feel? Would my change affect others?

3. Where are you in relation to this change? On a scale of 1-10. 10 being the ultimate place of accomplishment and change, where are you? For example, if you feel your only at a 3 (maybe you took a few steps towards your goal) what would you need to do to get to a 4 or 5 which would make you closer to your goal. How would you feel? Every time I move up a step I feel a little better. I have clients take small steps.
4. Obstacles –When we take action towards our goals we must remind ourselves that we will have some obstacles. Some typical obstacles are:
*Lack of support – not everyone in your life might agree or like the change you’re making. I had a client who was a stay at home mom and decided to look for a full time job. Her kids were upset by the news.
* Fear of success or failure will come up – every time we step outside of our comfort zone, it causes us to feel uncomfortable which causes fear. Be aware of it but don’t let it stop you.
* Realistic time management and goal setting – we know to do 1 change at a time but we also have to look at our time and life pressures. I had a client who wanted to find a new full time job which was her long term goal. We set up short term goals but instead of making them weekly goals, we made them biweekly. As a single mom of two, working full time, she would have been overwhelmed with weekly goals but biweekly was doable.

5. When faced with obstacles and you feel like giving up do this visualization exercise.
What would my life look and feel like if I didn’t accomplish my goal or make a change? What if I decided to live my next few years without the change or accomplishment of my goals? A lot of my clients realize that is worse. Staying stuck or in an unhappy situation is unacceptable and that gives them the motivation to move forward.

6. Support – very important to have support set up. Whether it’s a friend or family member or finding someone in your situation. For some support can mean a coach or therapist.

For more information please visit Diane’s website: http://www.dlcounseling.com or email Diane at DLcounseling2014@gmail.com

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Are you feeling or moving to fast

After a few weeks of feeling “Blah” and not myself, I had to admit to myself: I think I’m a little down. I wasn’t overly depressed where I wasn’t functioning in real life. I made it to work, family activities, working out, etc. I wasn’t in mild depression which we call Dysthymia because I still was able to laugh and go out with friends but I knew I wasn’t my usual perky self. This is hard to admit, as an educator of Positive Psychology, I’m supposed to be happy. Seriously, I teach happiness how could I not be happy? The truth is in the last 5-6 years, I feel happy a majority of the time but this time was just a little different and I didn’t like it.
As an educator, I have become so self-aware of myself and how I feel that I couldn’t avoid it or be in denial as much as I tried. So, instead I jumped whole heartedly into doing all the things I teach.

I made sure my daily routine consisted of:
Meditating
Gratitude Checks
Exercise
A good healthy breakfast/plenty of water
A good night sleep – this was the toughest for me!
Paying it forward which I did a regular basis
Socialization

So, I was doing it all. Why wasn’t I happy? This was a hard one to figure out. But then it happened. I had what Oprah calls an “AHA Moment”. I realized I was trying too hard. Maybe what I needed was to just to feel the emotions. To accept where I was and not try to change it.
I continued on with my routine of happiness and self-care activities but I didn’t push it. Then it happened. I realized in between all of this, I wasn’t working enough on challenging myself. I have hit a rut and all the daily happiness activities which kept me a float didn’t make the dent I needed to have a transition. To go into a new phase of life. I was at the end of something but not yet the beginning of my next phase. I was somewhere in the middle. I realized that we need to be in the middle for a while in order for you to have that fresh start. The middle is that grey area where you’re not fully over what has ended and not yet fully into the new start. You’re stuck in between transitions. No-one ever talked to me about that but that’s exactly where I was.
The middle area is a time for growth and evaluation. It’s a time to see the clues that are in front of you. A time to follow your intuition. I will use this time as a breather, a time to reflect on where I was and where I want to go. It’s the fork in the road but you haven’t made a decision which way to go yet and that’s ok. Don’t pressure yourself to move forward if you’re not ready yet. The middle time is a great place to grieve your old life and forgive anyone from there so you can move forward. We always want to move thru this part so fast but if we don’t spend time in the middle then we can’t fully transition into our new phase of life so take your time, be patient and don’t judge. Use this time to create the next phase of life. Take this time to Feel!

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Dare to be better then yesterday

Dare To Be Better Than Yesterday!

Every time I take a risk, no matter how big or small, no matter how it turns out in the end

I know that I dared to be better then I was yesterday and that’s a step forward, that’s how we create growth.

I know that I took a chance and that chance brought me a few minutes of possibility and hope.

I risked, I dared, I took a chance and no matter what that’s a win-win in my book.

Go do what frightens you!

Be vulnerable!

Be brave!

But most importantly be you!

How will you challenge yourself today?

JULY 2016 WORKSHOPS open to the public

Tuesday, July 19, 630pm – Re-train Your Brain for Happiness

Hofstra University, NY

Phone: 516-463-7200

Thursday, July 21, 1030am – Happiness – Living an Optimistic Lifestyle

Montclair Adult School, NJ

Phone: 973-744-0500 Ext 2224

Tuesday, July 26 630pm – Letting Go of Anger & Finding Forgiveness

Ross School, Hamptons, Long Island, NY

Phone: 631-907-5400

Thursday, July 28, 630pm – Declutter Your life & Reduce Stress – Free Workshop

Raritan Public Library, NJ

Phone: 908-725-0413

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Midlife to Newlife Free Summit

Join me and over 20 speakers for FREE at the Midlife to New life Summit

My friend Juanita Shay is interviewing authors, experts, speakers, doctors, spiritual healers and many more. You can to listen to over 24 of the greatest spiritually conscious entrepreneurs who share tools, techniques and methods to help people, including midlifers go from ordinary midlife to an extraordinary new life and realize their dreams and achieve their success.

The FREE online event is called MidLife To NewLife: Live an Extraordinary Life Filled With Vibrant Energy, Adventure and Sex Appeal into your 40’s, 50’s and Beyond. If you love hearing how people can live a vibrant, healthy life well into their 40’s, 50’s and beyond? This event is your chance to listen to over 24 world changers /experts who are sharing their insights on how to live an extraordinary life filled with profound love, vibrant energy and adventure

I’m so thrilled to participate in Midlife to New Life with Juanita Shay. I hope you can join us.

Join FREE here: http://midlifetonewlife.com

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments